adam hills

Hello

Well, it has been a while between blogs – mainly due to the fact that I haven’t been doing any shows – so Merry Christmas, Happy New Year and Happy Australia Day.

Spicks and Specks has officially returned to the ABC, and I have officially returned to the stage – having already completed a few trials of my new show “Mess Around”.

Basically the idea this year is to simply “mess around” with the audience as much as possible every night, in order to prove my theory that there is enough material in the crowd to provide a show. So far, that theory has been justified.

Here’s what has happened so far:

Trial 1: Vibe Bar, Fitzroy. The most memorable audience member was a woman who ran Murder Mystery weekends. After ensuring she wasn’t actually murdering the guests herself, her husband piped in that “when she realised you were on tonight she said ‘I wish I had brought clean underwear so he could sign them’ ”.

She followed with – “You’re the only celebrity I’ve ever, you know, thought about sexually”

When I asked if this was a one-off, she replied “No, every Wednesday night at 8.30, and then the repeats on ABC 2 on Thursdays”

This obviously supplied much merriment, after which I asked if she times it to finish with me saying “Goodnight Australia” at the end of every episode.

(For any overseas readers, this is a reference to the TV show Spicks and Specks, what I host)

Trial 2: The Local, St Kilda. I noticed that I could see trams pulling up outside the venue whilst I was on stage, and decided to try to convince someone to get off the tram and come into the gig.

The first tram that stopped caused us to wave at a couple and offer them a beer if they came in. They looked at each other, nodded, then came into the show, onto the stage, and received a massive round of applause.

I asked what made them come in. He said:
“I looked at my wife and said – That looks like Adam Hills in there. And she said – Nah, he can’t be that broke”

Trial 3: 303, Northcote. I peered down from the stage to see a young man called Nick, wearing a Huey Lewis and the News Tour shirt. I asked his age – he said he was 25.

I decided that he could only remain wearing the shirt if he could name an album and two songs by Huey Lewis and the News. He said “Sports” was an album, and named “The Power Of Love”, then stalled and asked “Does the duet with Gwyneth Paltrow count?”

I immediately confiscated his shirt, then tried to call Ticketmaster to buy him a ticket to the concert. Alas Ticketmaster was closed, so I took Nick’s number and promised to take him myself.

I then finished the show by grabbing Boris, the eighteen year old nephew of a Scientist, and forced five ladies to do a sexy dance to him, while “The Power of Love” played.

Trial 4: I found this guy in the crowd, and thought he looked like Shane Warne:

I then tweeted the photo to see who my followers thought he looked like. Warnie was the overwhelming response, although there were more than a few suggestions of Perez Hilton the celebrity blogger. There was also the suggestion of Phillip Seymour Hoffman, and Peter Helliar.

Someone said he looked like a fashion victim. Harsh.

A quick reccy of the crowd also found a possible drug deal going down in the corner, the promoter of a comedy night in the posh suburb of Toorak – which prompted me to impersonate a bit of Toorak stand up “Inheritance Tax? What’s all that about?” – and the staff of a call centre.

Which call centre? Ticketmaster!

I immediately called Nick from the Northcote gig and told him I now had a contact for Huey Lewis and the News, that the offer to see the show was still on, and that I would try to arrange a meeting between him and Huey.

He seemed both confused and keen.

So, after four trial shows I seem to have already established a narrative that involves middle-aged women thinking about me in a sexytime way, strangers hopping off trams, and a 25 year old meeting Huey Lewis.

I will endeavour to keep you updated with the blogs from each show, starting with the official kick off of the tour, this Thursday at the Sydney Comedy Store. There will then be shows in Adelaide, Brisbane and Melbourne. There may be more show in other cities later, but for now that’s all we have scheduled.

It’s not so much of a tour this year, as, well, a bit of a Mess Around.

That’s all for now, but it certainly isn’t over.

Adam

Hello

I have made it back to Australia, won an AFI Award for Spicks and Specks, filmed our Christmas special, and spent a day in bed with some sort of stomach complaint. And to think last Monday I was at the Royal Variety Performance – it’s been a helluva week.

I wrote a little diary piece for the Australian papers about my Royal Variety experience, which they printed in part, so I thought I’d post the whole thing here for you.

Hope you like it

Adam

Here’s how my crazy day went:

11.30am Arrive at The Blackpool Opera House. I have spent the last two nights in Manchester practising my act at the Comedy Store. 250 drunken Mancunians have prepared me for the Royal Variety audience.

12.15pm Full cast rehearsal for the closing number. I am onstage with Whoopi Goldberg, Bette Midler, Lady Gaga, Mika, Miley Cyrus, Anastacia, Chaka Khan, Michael Buble. Not quite sure who the older gentleman in the suit is, then I realise – it’s Andre Rieu. I compliment Mika on his collar, he tells me his Mum made it.

1pm Full cast are given their positions for meeting The Queen. I am standing next to Lady Gaga. I say “Hi, I’m Adam.”  She says “Hi, I’m Gaga”.  I say “I’m on after you, so can you leave a little something in the room for me?” She seems to laugh.

2pm Full Dress rehearsal for the second half of the show. I watch Andre Rieu and Lady Gaga perform then do my act to 150 cast members in a 3000 seat theatre. It is weird, but seems to go well.

6pm Theatre goes into “Full Palace Lockdown”. Not sure what that means but it sounds serious.

7pm The Queen arrives, having taken the Royal train up from London. We are told that because she is early, the show will start straight away.

7.10pm The show starts. I go to the green room to watch on the big screens. Whoopi Goldberg arrives and tells me “I saw your rehearsal and you were very funny.”  Couldn’t be happier. I look around the room and see Bette Midler, Anastacia and Lulu all watching as well. Everyone watches everyone else’s performance, and when they return to the green room we all applaud.

8.45pm Whoopi returns to the room after her performance. She tells me how hard it was to not swear in front of The Queen. We chat for about fifteen minutes and are interrupted by a producer saying “Adam, I have to take you backstage now”. Whoopi says “Kick ass baby!”

9.20pm Lady Gaga is on stage, I am in the wings. My heart is pounding so hard I can feel it under my suit. Lady Gaga storms it, Peter Kay tells the audience I have flown in just for the show, I’m on.

9.21pm I start with a phrase I have never uttered before in my life -  “Your Majesty, Your Royal Highness, ladies and gentlemen…” and we’re off.

9.22pm I almost lose the audience when I tell them I am going home for “a real Christmas”.  They hang in there though, and really start laughing when I talk about my artificial foot. After eight heart-thumping, nerve-wracking but ultimately enjoyable minutes I am done.

9.30pm I get to the Green Room. Whoopi smiles and says “Do you know you just killed it?” She then gives me her email address and says “Let me know when you’re in New York”. Couldn’t be happier.

10.15pm We are called back to the stage for the finale. I walk on with English comedian Hal Cruttenden, nearly trip over ukelele player Jake Shimabukuro, and we all give three cheers to Her Majesty.

10.40pm The Queen makes her way around the line, shaking people’s hands, followed by Prince Philip. Gaga comments to me how beautiful The Queen looks. She is right.

10.50pm The Queen is standing in front of me, shaking my hand. She has a genuine glow, a lovely smile, and seems to be beaming. She asks me if I flew in for the show. I say I have been here for a few months, but I am flying out first thing in the morning. She says “Is that so you can have a real Christmas?” Brilliant – she remembered my act!

10.54pm Prince Philip asks when I am flying home. He smiles broadly and jokes that I could smuggle a bottle of gin out of the country in my artificial foot. Brilliant.

11pm After finally meeting Bette Midler the Queen leaves the stage to a round of applause. Lady Gaga turns to me and says “They don’t stand when the Queen leaves the stage. That is a tough motherfucking crowd”. It is my favourite quote of the night.

11.30pm The official Royal Variety Supper begins. There is food, cabaret and dancing. I meet the guy that played the Italian officer in 90s TV show Allo Allo. Brilliant.

2.30am I make it back to my hotel in Manchester. I call my fiancée and my Mum and tell them about my night. I pack my bag and book a taxi for 6.30am to take me to the airport. In five days time we will film the Christmas episode of Spicks and Specks, with Peter Garrett and Jarvis Cocker.

4.50am Just finished writing my account of the day. As I read it back I ponder what an unusual life I have. Couldn’t be happier.

Well, it’s all done.

My UK tour of “Inflatable” is all done. And I can’t think of a better way to have ended it than Sunday night’s show in Portsmouth.

I started the show by reading an email I received during the week from a lady called Claire at Domino’s Pizzas. See, Claire had read of my exploits in Andover the week before, when I arrived at the theatre having not eaten all day and ordered pizza for myself and the audience.

Claire offered to supply more pizzas for my final show, and I said that we might need more than the four I bought in Andover. She replied that twelve pizzas would arrive at the Wedgwood Rooms in Portsmouth at 10pm, courtesy of Dominos. The cheer that news received makes me think I might start all my shows that way from now on, as it seems to really put the audience in a good mood.

Well, not all the audience. In particular, not the lady on the front row who told me she had a phobia of cheese. Not an allergy, not an aversion – a phobia. I then asked who else had weird phobias and immediately found another lady who had a phobia of both pregnant women and moths.  I assumed she was even more scared of pregnant moths, or women who were impregnated by moths.

Continuing, there was a guy who was scared of cotton wool, and a girl who burst into tears at the sight of Cliff Richard. I prompted the audience to sing “Mistletoe and Wine” and found out her phobia was real. I promised to use the interval to send out a twitter request for people’s weird phobias. I also promised that the second half would feature a lad called Tom.

Tom was a latecomer at my Reading show, who managed to get more laughs than me in the time we spoke. In fact, it was suggested by the Reading audience that Tom and I should be a double act. I challenged Tom to come to my final show in Portsmouth and join me on stage, and he accepted.

So, when the second half started, I read out the tweets of weird phobias, which included – wrists, frogs, peacocks, Sting, and buttons. There were a few that suggested a fear of Cliff Richard was actually quite normal, and more that said they had a fear of artificial limbs. Very droll.

My favourites were – the lady who had a fear of single baked beans, and whose boyfriend once cleared her toast of all but one bean, so she threw the plate at him.  The lady who was scared of tunnels so she drove through them with her eyes closed. The woman who has a phobia of tights because when she was younger she got her braces caught in her own tights while trying to taste them.

Then Tom came to the stage.

I’ll be honest – I wasn’t sure how Tom was going to go down. And neither was he. But what the hell, I thought, we’ll give it a shot.He. Was. Hilarious.

Seriously, Tom ripped off some of the funniest lines I have seen on stage, to the rapturous applause of the crowd. Of course I took a photo:

Then my manager called.

I saw the call come up on my phone, and said “Shit, my Australian manager is on the phone” to which Tom said “I’ll take it” and grabbed the phone. For the next ten minutes Tom had the audience, and my manager in stitches as he declared his intention to “go global” and started planning our new show together for the Melbourne Comedy Festival.

I say together, I think the final show title was “Tom Flood Live (with Adam Hills)”

After a half-hour second half, that revolved entirely around tweets and Tom, the doors to the venue opened and two Dominos Pizzas staff arrived with twelve Dominos Pizzas. I then called a second interval as the audience helped themselves to the offerings of the pizza gods. Thanks Claire and everyone at Dominos – it was a lovely gesture that was appreciated by all, especially me.

Eventually I took to the stage to try to wrap up the show and the tour, for what became the third half. To the audience’s credit, they stayed with me right to the end – except for a lovely lady called Mimi who had to get back to Exeter. I offered to pay for a taxi, but she said she had to go, so Mimi wherever you are, I’m sorry I banged on for so long.

Here is the crowd (minus Mimi):

I also apologise to the venue staff, who were amazingly generous with their time, and allowed me to perform a three-interval, two-and-a-half hour show. The Wedgwood Rooms have always been on of my favourite venues in the UK, and Sunday night confirmed that.

At this point I’d like to thank everyone that has been involved with “Inflatable” this year, both in Australia and the UK. From stage hands, tour managers, publicists, box office staff… you have all been a joy to work with.

To those of you that have come to the shows, sent tweets, and contributed to the blogs – thank you so very much. You have become a massively important part of the show.

Finally, to my three inflatable friends to whom the show was dedicated – I think about you guys every time I do the show, and will always be inflated by you.

I have a free week now in London, before heading up to Blackpool to perform alongside Whoopi Goldberg, Bette Midler, Michael Buble and Lady Gaga at the Royal Variety Performance for Her Majesty The Queen.

Then it’s back to Australia to film the Christmas episode of Spicks and Specks, and then another series.

As for Tom, well, we agreed to have a few days of cooling off, before discussing how big a part he will play in my next show. Or how big a part I will play in his next show.

That’s all for now, my blogs will probably be a little less frequent now, but I’ll keep you updated of stuff when I can.

Stay inflated

Adam

Hello

I have been reminded via twitter that I haven’t written a blog about the Coventry show yet. Weirdly, as I got to the end of writing that sentence the words “I’m sorry” came from Mumford and Sons on my iTunes.

I was knackered after the show on Sunday night, then I went to Belgium and back, and I clean forgot. So here ’tis.

To be honest, the majority of the audience interaction on Sunday centred around yet another fella called Tom. 17-year-old Tom was sat in the front row with his sister and parents (one of whom was a solicitor), and looked like he didn’t want to be sat in the front row with his sister and parents (one of whom was a solicitor). I made his parents kiss, just to freak out the kids. Then I asked the kids if they wanted to freak out the parents. We didn’t take that any further.

I then decided to set Tom up with a girl. A quick scan of the front row revealed three young ladies at the other end. Two were available, and after ascertaining their hobbies and musical tastes, I decided a girl call Romy would be the best target. I then casually sauntered past them with Tom, all the while talking up his sexual prowess.

I made him sit a few seats away from them, and just before the interval asked Romy if she’d like to sit with him in the second half. She said no. Ouch.

As the second half began I tried in vain to set Tom up with someone else, but he clearly didn’t want any of it. So, I made him this promise – I said I would take his photo, post it on this blog, and see if anyone fancied a date. So here it is:

I asked his parents if I was doing anything illegal by pimping out their son, and they said yes. Did I mention that one of them was a solicitor?

The only other persons of note during the show were the lovely couple that came in late so I bought them drinks; Fred, a visiting professor from the University of Minnesota; and the guy in the front row who was an engineer on fruit machines (poker machines for any Aussies reading this) whose wife was funnier than him, but found his own funny in the end. Oh, and a young man called Paul who shared a cab back to Coventry with me after the show.

There was one unusual moment during the show that I should tell you about. Those that have seen “Inflatable” know that it is dedicated to a friend of mine that passed away last year, and that there is a section of the show in which I describe a charity show we put on for her, in which “we laughed we cried, and we swore she dropped in just for a moment”

As I said that last phrase in Coventry, the audience all started to mutter to themselves. For a split second I thought they were being rude, until someone said “one of the stage lights just caught fire”.

I turned around to see that the gel on one of the backlights had burnt through and was giving off smoke. I turned back and said “You know what, I think she just dropped in again”

Strangely enough, as I was sitting in the empty seats before the show, I thought the stage lights looked kinda cool, so I took a photo:

Love ya mate.

My apologies for not blogging sooner, as I spent most of yesterday travelling to Gent with Reg D Hunter, where we did a spot on a Belgian TV show called Comedy Casino with my fellow Australian Steve Hughes.  I did it a few years ago, and should you harbour the desire to watch a roomful of Belgians trying to understand my routines, check it out here on youtube www.youtube.com/watch?v=YZhpKh1btgg

Due to scheduling, Reg and I were on a late train out of Brussels, so we spent the day in Gent, wandering through the most beautiful streets, taking a leisurely lunch, and even visiting the castle – where a group of schoolchildren on an excursion pretended to fire arrows at us.  I suggested to Reg that being in Gent reminded me of In Bruges, and that perhaps we were the Colin Farrell and Brendan Gleeson of comedy. Reg was clearly more of a Miami Vice fan, as he went with Crockett and Tubbs.

Later on the train I laid a copy of The Word music magazine on the table. Reg took one look at this cover and said: “That’s you and me in twenty years time”

This week I am heading to Madrid and Barcelona on Friday and Saturday for two nights of comedy madness with Jason Byrne, then my final show of “Inflatable” will take place at The Wedgwood Rooms in Portsmouth, where Tom from Reading (as opposed to Tom from Coventry) will also take to the stage.

That’s all for now, let me know if you want a date with Tom from Coventry and I’ll see what I can do. Just don’t tell his parents.

Adam

Well

Once again I am finding it hard to describe my show last night in Reading. It was just like every other show I have done on tour, couples in the front row, a father and son, two platonic friends, you know – the usual show. Except for Tom.

Tom arrived late with two other people (who I later found out, had no idea who Tom was) so I grabbed all three and brought them to the front of the room to meet the father and son and the couples. Tom seemed shocked that one of the couples was actually a couple, and started asking them questions. Then he took the microphone and interviewed them as the other two hangers-on looked on:

I then started chatting to Tom, and found out he works at a Nursery (he took pains to point out it was a Nursery for children, not for plants). The thing was, everything Tom said was funny. It wasn’t even what he said, it was the way he said it. Dry, assured, unassuming – just funny.

It was a whole twenty-five minuets before the actual show started, and to be honest it was a bit of a let-down after the spontaneous joy that Tom brought. I suggested that we were quite the double act, and Tom asked how many shows I had left on the tour. I told him I was in Coventry and Portsmouth, to which he said “I could make it to Portsmouth”.

So I asked Tom to come to my final show next Sunday in Portsmouth, take to the stage, and tell a story about the Nursery. This got a massive cheer from the audience, some of whom said they would even make the trek to Portsmouth to see the show, and Tom’s debut. Tom agreed… so…. next Sunday, at my final show of “Inflatable” Tom will make an appearance to tell us a story about working in a Nursery. I think tickets are still available, so feel free to join us at The Wedgwood Rooms on Sunday.

To give you an example of Tom’s influence, during the interval I heard a few people talking outside my dressing room.

Man: “So, is Adam as funny as his DVD?”

Woman: “Tom wasn’t on the DVD”

Man: “Yes he is amazing”

Woman: “He’s just so dry”

Man: “Stoned is the word”

So there you have it from Reading. Tonight Coventry, then a weird international week of gigs – Belgium on Monday, then Madrid on Friday and Barcelona on Saturday doing a double act show with Jason Byrne.

Then the last show of Inflatable on Sunday night in Portsmouth, where Tom will make his story-telling debut.

Hope to see you there

Adam

Well, what an interesting show I had in Barton-Upon-Humber last night.

After a ridiculous travel day that included three trains, two tubes, and a car journey, I arrived at the Ropewalk Theatre, which I was informed is in the longest single span pan-tiled structure in Britain. Whatever that means.

Basically it is an old rope factory (is factory even the right word?) where not surprisingly, rope was made.  The building itself is a quarter of a mile long, cos the rope had to be straight, and now houses a café, a theatre and an arts space.

A full house had assembled, and as I took to the stage I spotted a man arriving late, so went to the back of the room to chat with him. Ross was originally from Scotland, and after a bit of banter, said to me “Should we do a duet?”

When I asked what we should sing, he suggested “Puttin On The Ritz”, but insisted it had to be the Gene Wilder/Peter Boyle version from the Mel Brooks movie “Young Frankenstein”. Not thinking I would call his bluff, Ross was then dragged to the stage, where I first explained the scene, then re-enacted it, using a cane handed to me by 88-year-old Mrs Marley in the front row.

I sang and danced with cane in hand, “If you’re blue and you don’t know where to go to why don’t you go where fashion sits”, then tapped the cane twice, as Ross groaned  “Puddenonnarizz!!!”

We looked like this:

The crowd were equally amused and bemused.

A quick scan of the rest of the room found a fifteen-year-old called Peter, and a lovely older couple by the names of Arthur and Molly, for whom I had to translate the Bon Jovi section of my act.

See, I’ve been posing a theory that Bon Jovi songs are so uniting, that singing them may help bring the Israelis and the Palestinians together. Arthur said he had no idea who Bon Jovi were, so I retold the entire routine as if singing Nat King Cole songs would unite the Dutch and British during the Boer War.

Arthur and Molly looked like this:

Unfortunately this left fifteen year old Peter in the dark, so I then told him that the Taleban and the Americans could be united by singing some Dizzee Rascal lyrics.

Again, the audience were more bemused than amused.

The second half of the show began with a raffle for a charity that brings Arts projects to children in regional areas. I decided to draw the raffle myself and immediately asked the crowd to decide which was the most valuable prize out of a stuffed reindeer toy, a bottle of Baileys, and a box of chocolates.

Baileys was voted to be first prize, reindeer second, and the chocolates not only came third but were soundly booed. In fact every time I mentioned the chocolates they were booed, so I suggested that the town slogan should be “Barton-Upon-Humber – No chocolates (boo)”.

The first two prizes went to a couple of lads who looked like they were in a male modelling catalogue. They posed appropriately:

Third prize went to a man called Kevin, who was in the audience with his twin brother Keith (or was it the other way around?) I brought them both to the stage and suggested they looked like a couple of comedy bouncers. They posed appropriately:

Returning to the show I headed back towards 88-year-old Mrs Marley, and asked if she was born and raised in Barton, to which she replied, “I’ve never been there in my life”.

I managed to ascertain that this was her first time in town, and asked what she should see. Silence. I asked what Barton-Upon-Humber was known for. More silence. Then a man called Neil piped up.

He (and various audience members) told us that B-U-H:
1)    has a Victorian school, designed by a Mr Wilderspin, who was from Barton, and was the person responsible for the invention of classrooms
2)    is the birthplace of the Samaritans movement
3)    is where the illustrator of Desperate Dan in the Beano comics was from, and that he based the character on a Barton local
As I scrawled all these on my arm to remember them for this blog, I asked for more facts and found that:
4)    The Town Band won a national competition last year for best town Band
5)    Albert Einstein was from Barton-Upon-Humber.

When I queried this last one, the gentleman said, “well they were all talking shit, why can’t I?”

From what I can work out, facts 1-4 are true, and I promised to use this blog to ask for more interesting facts about Barton-Upon-Humber. Please submit your interesting B-U-H fact as a comment, and we can all try to work out whether or not it is actually true.

I’ll start it off with two more facts I learned after the show:
1)    The man that invented the idea of Longitude was from Barton-Upon-Humber
2)    The ropes used in the first ever ascent of Mount Everest were made in the building in which I performed.

The show finished, and I was whisked off for a brilliant Indian meal by the venue staff. When we arrived, there was a table of people there that were also in the audience. I told them “I was thinking about this meal for the last half hour of my act” to which hey replied “So were we”

Thanks to all at the Ropewalk for being so lovely – Cheryl, Janine and Lee – and especially to Liz who picked me up and dropped me off in Scunthorpe.

Thank you too to Mrs Marley, who looked so angelic shrouded in the light of the spots, that I just had to take her photo as well:

I am now on a train to Reading for tonight’s show, then Coventry tomorrow, then to Belgium for a TV show called Comedy Casino on Monday. Maybe then I’ll get some rest.

Seeyasomewhere

Adam

Hello

It’s kinda hard to write the blog for tonight’s show because it will sound quite tame, and yet it went a bit mad.

Basically here goes: I arrived in Andover but didn’t get a chance to eat before the show. The theatre cafe was closed, and I couldn’t find a takeaway that delivered. So I went on stage, met a guy in the crowd whose wife was pregnant, then ordered pizzas for me and the audience.

That’s basically it.

Thirty minutes later the pizzas arrived, delivered by a man called Bob, who seemed to have his own comedy routine worked out, and we had a photo taken together:

I had to call an interval early so we could eat while the pizzas were hot, then I came back and did the rest of the show.

I know it doesn’t sound like much, so I have asked the audience to leave their endorsements of the show as comments on this blog. If we don’t get any, then I’ll know I was the only one having fun.

I genuinely had one of the most enjoyable shows of my life though, mainly thanks to the crowd who were truly amazing and made me feel so welcome. I was also more than a little chuffed that a man by the name of Reg Presley came to the show. Reg is the lead singer of a band called The Troggs, who sang such hits as “With A Girl Like You”, “Wild Thing” and the original version of “Love Is All Around”. I met him a few weeks ago during a filming, and organised tickets for him and his lovely wife Brenda.

Not only did Reg come backstage to tell me how much he enjoyed the show, he and Brenda gave me a lift home. At one point we couldn’t get out of the carpark, and all I could think was “I’m stuck in a carpark with the guy that sang Wild Thing”. Brilliant.

That’s all for tonight. I’ll leave you in the hands of whoever chooses to leave a comment.

Yesterday it was Gail Porter in Edinburgh, tonight it was Reg Presley in Andover. Tomorrow night is Barton-Upon-Humber, where I’m half expecting another celeb to turn up. Adam Ant perhaps?

See ya soon

Adam

Well I’ve had a strange day.

It started in Edinburgh, as all days should, where I was asked to accept an award from Radio Forth for the Best Act at this year’s Fringe.  I was more than a little chuffed to receive it, so I made my way up to bonnie Scotland yesterday, and awoke this morning bright eyed and bushy tailed.

I headed up to the Assembly Rooms, where I was sat at a table with various Forth FM peeps that included Arlene, Boogie and Dingo. The latter two were sporting Movember moustaches that made them look like Ron Jeremy and Ron Burgundy respectively. As Arlene left the table to host the Awards ceremony, she was replaced by a very flamboyant, camp, and possibly drunk man who shall remain nameless.

This man immediately fawned over another celeb at the table, the lovely model turned broadcaster Gail Porter, who informed me she was now doing stand up. While Gail and I talked comedy, the man drank glass after glass of wine, and as the show started, he rocked back in his chair, eyes closed, seemingly asleep. What happened in next twelve minutes was all a bit of a blur, but I think it went down like this:

I gave Gail Porter my number in case she needed help with her show, the man passed out and fell off his chair and was attended to by first aid staff, my name was called out, I took to the stage, did a ten minute set, then ran outside and jumped in a cab to the airport. Oh, did I not mention I had a show in Birmingham tonight as well?

That’s right. I walked on stage in Edinburgh at 3.20pm, I left the venue at 3.35pm for a flight that was scheduled to leave at 4.50pm, to land in Birmingham at 5.55pm, for a show that started at 8.30pm. Luckily, it all went smoothly and I walked on stage at the Glee Club on time.

Then I met Martin, and John and Matt, and the ladies. Let’s take them one at a time though.

First Martin. Martin said he was from a place in Birmingham called “Great Bar”, then added “There isn’t one”. I suggested that this sounded like the perfect opening to a comedy routine, and invited Martin to the stage to become a comedian for a minute. That minute got longer and longer however when I asked Martin what he did for a living.

“I’m a trainer”.

“What do you train people in?”

“Asbestos”

As you can imagine, that got a big laugh. And the laughs kept coming. Martin trained people in how to be aware of asbestos, as did his mate in the audience. Everything Martin said seemed to accidentally get a laugh, and occasionally a round of applause, so eventually I gave him a proper introduction, and he delivered his “Great Bar” line properly, to a massive ovation.

During the interval I tweeted to see what Martin should call his show if ever he has one. The suggestions were: “Asbestos yet to come”; “Thelma and The Wheeze”; “Retardant” and “I’ve got mesothelioma, get me out of here”.

The clear winner however was “Cough Up, You’re Paying For It”, so I took a shot of Martin to go on the poster:

Next up were the ladies who lunch – four women who all have seven year old children, and decided to have a night out together. They left the husbands at home, drank soft drinks, and were generally lovely. They looked like this:

Finally, we come to the two lads sitting directly to my left. Jon and Matt were their names, from Buckinghamshire. I suggested that they were way too good looking to be funny, and that they looked more like porn stars. This was confirmed by John’s surname – Zinkus.

Lady in porn film: “Zinkus?”

John: “I think I just might”

I took a photo of the two, uploaded it and asked for twitter captions.

The winner will only make sense to UK TV watchers – “John and Edward age 10 years overnight”

There was also a tweet from a girl in France suggesting I set the lads up with her sister and a friend in the sixth row. So I did. When I left the venue they were all still out the front having a chat, as were three ladies that have seen me in Norwich, Bromsgrove and now Birmingham, one of whom told me the German word for “hymen”.

So that was my day. Edinburgh awards, Gail Porter, an unconscious man, a flight to Birmingham, a comedically enhanced asbestos trainer, two John and Edward clones, four yummy mummies, and the German word for hymen.

The only downside of the day? By leaving the awards ceremony early, I missed one of the main musical acts – Spandau Ballet. Bugger. Probably just as well though – I don’t know how much I could take in twenty four hours.

Bed now, Andover tomorrow.

‘Night

Adam

Hello again

Part Two of today’s blog is being written back in my hotel room after a frustrating day. A delayed train which then started, stopped, and returned to the station. A new train that was also delayed, a scarcity of cabs at Bath station, and a phone that refused to find an internet connection meant I got to the venue a little frazzled.

The audience, thankfully were in fine form, as evidenced by a middle-aged man called Ian who was sat in the front row with his daughters and one of their friends. His eldest was quite embarrassed that Dad was getting his own laughs, so I invited Ian on stage to really embarrass her. In front of a roomful of people, Ian and I did our best “Dad dance” right in front of his daughter – who was mortified.

A quick chat to the rest of the audience uncovered another man in the front row called Ian. And a third. And behind him, another Ian. Four men in the front two rows – all called Ian. It was later revealed that three of the four Ians were aged 44. It was all starting to get a bit weird.

It got weirder still when a woman called Stacey cheered loudly when I suggested Bon Jovi songs are the universal constant. Stacey professed her love for JBJ, and one of her friends said “You should get her up to sing”. I then promised to start the second half with Stacey singing “Livin On A Prayer”, backed by the four Ians.

And I did. First I took a staged photo:

Then Becky the amazing techie cued up “Livin On A Prayer” – the Ians broke into the “oowah, oowah, oowah, oowah”. Then. Stacey. Nailed it!

I mean, really nailed it!

The crowd went wild, and to be honest it was a little tough to follow her. Thankfully the audience stayed with me, and the show ended up being a belter. We then all went out to the lobby and sold t shirts to raise money for a local place called Dorothy Hospice that helps people with cancer. Apparently you can go online and support the hospice, so please do. I only hope that those who support the Hospice are officially known as “Friends of Dorothy.”

It was while signing shirts that a lovely man came up to me and said he had seen me a few years back at the Edinburgh festival, and followed it with “we were sat next to Ronnie Corbett”.

What the WTF?

Ronnie Corbett was once at my show!! Oh my OMG!

The funny thing is, I saw Ronnie Corbett in his car in Edinburgh this year, and I thought he waved at me, but then wondered how we would have known me. Turns out – he has seen me perform, and must have recognised me. Add to this the fact that apparently Tim Brooke-Taylor and Graeme Garden from The Goodies gave me a shout out on jtv in Australia a few weeks ago – I think I can die happy.

Seriously though, I am a massive comedy nerd, and grew up on a mixture of both British and American comedy. I used to dream about meeting Billy Connolly, performing on the same bill as Robin Williams, watching Bill Cosby in action. Turns out I have done all three of those things. And now the Goodies and Ronnie Corbett are fans. Plus I met Stephen Merchant from The Office and Extras on Monday, and he said “I’ve seen you so often I feel like we’ve met”

I’m very lucky to have the life I have, and I hope never to take it for granted.

Wow, who’d have thought when I started this blog complaining about British Rail, I’d end up with that last sentence? Ah well, I guess it’s the inner spiritual journey one goes through when you spend all day on your own, and wind up in a hotel in Bath at midnight.

There’s more of it next week – Radio Forth Awards in Edinburgh on Wednesday afternoon, Birmingham Wednesday night, then Andover, Barton-On-Humber, Reading and Coventry. I should have just about made my way through Series 7 of 24 by then. Speaking of which, gotta go, Jack’s calling.

More to come

Adam

Hello again

It’s a two-part blog today – part one is being written as I sit backstage at the Ustinov Studio alongside the Royal Theatre in Bath. While I have a little time before the show, I thought I’d tell you about Thursday’s show in Lancaster.

Firstly, let’s all just take a moment to honour the Lancaster Grand Theatre, which is indeed grand. It is also a theatre, and in Lancaster, so a tick in all boxes there. The staff were lovely and attentive, and informed me that the Lancaster Grand is in fact the longest continuously running theatre in Britain, having been erected in 17hundred and something.

The theatre even has its own resident ghost, with a painting in an alcove to remember her. I took a photo of the audience when I walked on stage to let you see how beautiful it is:

As I walked down the stairs to chat to the crowd I felt like an old time cabaret performer, crooning while descending a staircase, so I grabbed a guy in the front row to do the same, so he would know how I felt. He was a scientist, researching something to do with carbon, so I asked him to give us a scientific theory while descending the stairs. He did, and even gave the mic a bit of a twirl around his hand:

I found another man in the balcony by the name of Greg, and when I asked him what he did for a living, he told me he worked for a company that recycles phones for charity. His company is called SHP (Second Hand Phones), but when I asked him what other companies there are in the same field he replied “I could tell you their names, but then they get extra publicity, and that would be foolhardy”.

Greg thus became the first audience member I have ever met to use the word “foolhardy”

During the interval I tweeted for suggestions for a slogan for Greg’s company, with the clear winner being “Where phones that have lost their bling bling can ring ring the charity tin tin”. I promised Greg I would send my old phones to him, and I suggest you do the same.

I also tweeted for a message to put on the microphone stand which, it turns out, had been left behind the night before by English comedian Roy “Chubby” Brown. After a few attempts at being not too rude, we somehow ended up with “I is watching you, innit”.

I still don’t know why that was funny, but I wrote it on a piece of gaffer tape and stuck it to the mic stand, which will be delivered to Mr “Chubby” Brown on Monday for his Glasgow show.

Not only was I performing a night after Roy “Chubby” Brown, but I found out I was on the night before the blue-haired ladies’ favourite – Des O’Connor. I told an out-of-school story about how dark Des’ make up is (in order to make him looked tanned) and suggested we leave him a note backstage as well.

Unfortunately all the suggestions were about the fake colour of his skin, and included “The future’s bright, the future’s orange”, “You know when you’ve been Tangoed” and “You’re looking a bit pale”.

I have to admit that although I promised to post all three backstage, when it came time I actually thought I was being a bit, well, “deflating”, so I just left a note saying “To Des, lots of love from Adam Hills and his audience”. I hope he liked it.

Finally I have to give a shout out to a lady called Vicky, who tweeted before the show that she was taking her 14 year old niece Charlotte to her first ever stand up gig. Luckily, we were in a theatre with Royal boxes, and thankfully those boxes were empty, so I moved Chaz and her Uncle and Auntie to the box for the entire show:

After the show we sold t shirts to raise money for a much needed upgrade to the theatre, and I urge you – if you ever feel the need to support a beautiful piece of theatrical history, then the Lancaster Grand is the place to send your donations.

Thanks to all there for a wonderful night in a beautiful theatre. It was only afterwards as I trudged out into the carpark, that I looked up and saw the lineup at the Theatre that week. See, it was comedy week in Lancaster, and as you can see, I was right up there with the big names of comedy:

Brown, Davidson, Hills, O’Connor, and best of all Pam Ayres! My Nana would be so proud. And if you scan further down the list, there’s a Take That tribute band called … Fake That. Brilliant.

Time to sign off from Part One now, and see what Bath has in store for me tonight. See you soon.

Adam