adam hills

At approximately 11.30pm on Sunday the 29th of August I took to the stage with my amazing sign interpreter Catherine King for what was meant to be an hour long auction for the Sick Kids.

At approximately 1.40am we left the stage, along with Jason Byrne, John Bishop, Kevin Bridges and Mark Watson, after one of the most fun gigs I have ever experienced.

If you recall, a stuffed toy called Honker was given to me on opening night by an audience member as a gift for my baby daughter. I instead used Honker as the mascot of my show as he raised money for the Royal Hospital for Sick Children’s support charity The Sick Kids Foundation.

A Just Giving page had been set up, as well as a facebook page and a twitter site, and Irn Bru had donated five taxis to be auctioned off. I had done my best to get some famous Scots to sign the taxis, and organised an extra show with all ticket sales going to The Sick Kids. I asked Jason Byrne to co-host the show with me, and asked a few comedic friends to act as auctioneers. All we had to do was auction off five miniature taxis. It seemed so simple.

Then the show started.

Within the first five minutes Jason had made Catherine sign the phrase “out of their bananas”, then accidentally signed the c-word back to her. Kevin Bridges came to the stage and auctioned off his own signed taxi, raising 105 pounds in the process. It was at this point I realised it was already 12.10am and we still had four more taxis to go.

Jason spotted our very good mate John Bishop in the hallway who came to the stage and helped us auction off a taxi signed by Steven Moffat – the writer of the current series of Dr Who – which raised another 140 quid.

Mark Watson dropped in and attempted to surpass Bishop’s total by auctioning off the taxis signed by Ian Rankin, and did so by five pounds.

In order to hurry things up a little I took the reins for the Biffy Clyro taxi which bumped the total up by another 130 quid. Although Jason did slow things down a little with his interpretive dance to Biffy Clyro’s “Mountains”.

And then there was one. A single taxi left, for which I had garnered no signatures. I suggested that perhaps the last taxi should be signed by John Bishop, Jason Byrne and myself (which we did) and the bidding began.

As the bids reached 200 pounds Jason put Honker down his pants, only to reveal that he was in fact wearing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle underwear. Jason, not Honker.

A bid was then made for 250 pounds for both Honker and Jason’s underwear. To the strains of The Stripper, Jason half hid himself behind a curtain and removed the undies.

As Jason returned to the stage with his underwear on a stick a woman yelled “I’ll pay 300 if Jason doesn’t throw in the underwear”. Brilliant.

With the bid sitting at 300 pounds, John Bishop leant forward and whispered “I’ll pay a thousand”

When I asked if he was serious he replied “I want to put it in me office. I wanna remember this night”

Going once. Going twice. Sold for a thousand pounds to the supremely talented and genuinely lovely Scouser.

Jason’s underpants were then auctioned off for a further 40 quid.

A quick estimate revealed that the ticket sales, auction bids and Just Giving donations meant we had reached around 6800 pounds. I offered to take it up to 7000 myself, and Jason chipped in with the offer that between us we would take it to 7500.

And so the audience, venue staff and assorted performers danced our way out of the venue, more than two hours after we began.

Enormous thanks go to my mate Jason Byrne for joining me on stage in a state of exhaustion having already performed in Leeds and Reading this weekend. Also to the amazing John Bishop who not only dropped in unannounced, but made a generous and touching bid.

Big ups to the awesome and lovely Catherine King who not only signed for two hours, but also interpreted for every person on stage – a task that is not only arduous but possibly illegal.

Mark Watson not only auctioned, but donated all proceeds of his post-show book sales, and Kevin Bridges was a champ for fitting us in between countless gigs.

Huge thanks go to the peeps that signed the taxis – Ian Rankin, Biffy Clyro, Steven Moffat and of course Kevin – between them all we raised around 500 pounds.

I must give out massive props to the staff of Assembly Hall for letting us bang on for so long, especially Rockey and Pete, as well as Verity and Rick from Off The Kerb who facilitated the whole thing.

Finally to those involved in Honker’s life – Polli the official photographer, Tom who set up the Just Giving site, Daniel who set up the facebook page, Lenny who took Honker out for photos, the peeps that took Honker to the Irn Bru factory, and of course Irn Bru for donating the taxis.

Thanks to all those that donated, and for those of you that still want to donate – we are going to keep the Just Giving page operating for another month. You can donate by clicking here  donate

Finally a big thank you to  the lady that brought Honker to me in the first place. Without you, none of this would have happened.

I tossed and turned deciding what should happen to Honker at the end of all this. Should I use him for further campaigns? Should I take him home to my baby daughter? Should I donate him to the Sick Kids?

These questions were running through my head the following day as I arrived at The Royal Hospital for Sick Children the next day to hand over the cheque for a photo shoot.

The lovely Maureen from the Sick Kids was there, as was a journo, a photographer and a young man by the name of Alex. Alex was thirteen, in a wheelchair, had scars across his head from what I assume was some sort of brain surgery, and shook my hand with his left hand as his right was out of use.

As the photographer asked us to pose for a shot in which I pushed Alex along the road in the chair, Alex told me that a few days earlier the nurses had been pushing him along the Royal Mile when one of the wheels of the chair fell off and he was left stranded in the street.

“Yeah, it’s funny now” he added.

We took a few photos of me behind the chair leaping into the air, while Alex held Honker on his lap. As we kept chatting afterwards I noticed how fondly Alex held Honker, gently and almost absentmindedly stroking him as they both gazed off into the distance.

The nurses reminded Alex that Honker was mine and he dutifully returned him, but as he was wheeled off down the street I asked Maureen if she thought Alex might like to take care of Honker for me. She suggested that Alex would probably love that.

I chased Alex down the street and asked if he would like to keep Honker. The look on his face told me it was the right thing to do, and the perfect way for Honker’s journey to end. I squeezed Honker’s little hand, shook Alex’s left hand, and tried very hard not to cry whilst saying goodbye to a stuffed toy.

So not only did Honker raise over 7500 pounds for the Sick Kids (which will go to funding brain scan equipment from which Alex will benefit) but he also managed to bring a smile to a thirteen year old boy’s face.

Later that night it was suggested to me that perhaps Honker’s Auction should become an annual event, hosted every year by Jason and myself. It’s too early to confirm that just yet, but I quite like the idea. A lot.

For now though, I will leave you with the last image I have of Honker, sitting in Alex’s lap, and moving on to a better life.

Thanks for reading these blogs, for supporting the Sick Kids, and for joining in the fun.

As Honker himself would say; “Honk”

Adam

Hello

It’s now a few days after the end of the Fringe, and I write the final blogs as I sit on a train from Edinburgh back to London.

The final show was lovely, and as promised Megan and Matt turned up. M and M were the people I phoned from onstage the previous night. You know. The ones that were at a fancy dress party as J and H. Oh come on, you remember, they promised to come to my show dressed as Jailbait and Hercules if I married Megan onstage.

Now do you remember? The audience from the previous night asked me to take a photo of them and post it on my blog so they could see what she looked like.

Well, you may be happy to know that they did indeed turn up in costume, as did Megan’s mum Glenys, and we did indeed conduct the ceremony – officiated over by a barista called David.

Here are some photos:

The show itself was a blast, and although officially my last one, was the pre-cursor to the final charity auction that took place later that night.

It is worthy of a blog all to itself, and will follow immediately.

As they say on the tele – To be Continued…

Wow

What an interesting show it was tonight. It all started with a latecomer called Glenys who told me there was nothing interesting about her.

Wrong.

Glenys arrived on her own but had two tickets, because her daughter’s boyfriend bought the tix but they got a better offer. Glenys was sent by her daughter to check me out because her daughter wants to marry me (Glenys’ words, not mine) while her daughter and her fella had bought more tickets for tomorrow night.

I rang her daughter Megan to find out what the offer was. They had gone to a J & H party. “What’s that?” I hear you cry. It’s a party in which everyone has to dress as something beginning with J or H.

Megan’s fella Matt had dressed as Hercules, Megan was dressed as jailbait. The audience then suggested I use a video phone but none could be found, so I asked Megan to describe what she was wearing. She went into detail, at which point somone in the crowd said “Make her wear it to the show tomorrow night, then take a photo for us”

Megan said she would only do that if I married her. I told her that if she and Matt both came in costume I would marry them both in the show, and buy them gifts beginning with J and H. Glenys agreed to return to watch it all happen.

Fifteen minutes later, Megan texted me a photo of her and Matt and another guy, and I tweeted it immediately so that the audience could check it out for themselves:

So, looks like tomorrow night I will marry a Greek God and a Naughty Schoolgirl. Hurrah.

Tomorrow night is also the final night of Mess Around, with an extra show at 11.30pm to raise money for the Royal Hospital for Sick Children. Tickets are 10 pounds and are selling very fast. All tickets sales will go to the Sick Kids, as will the proceeds of an auction of some miniature Irn Bru taxis, signed by Ian Rankin, Biffy Clyro, Kevin Bridges and Steven Moffat.

It has been an amazing run, that started with a stuffed toy called Honker and will end with an auction and a stage wedding.

You’ll have all the details after the shows (probably the next morning to be honest)

Til then

Adam

Howdy

Tonight’s show was opened quite beautifully by my two door staff,  Jenny and Lila, who had written an “Adam Hills” song while listening to my show every night. I then challenged them to write a song for the end of the show about the audience members that included:

An Australian couple who shall remain nameless, but who are living together in Edinburgh despite being married to other people back in Australia; and Ricky and Eddie – two Scots in the front row who seemed to be in their own sitcom, with Eddie using the phrase “Oh now you’ve done it” as his motto. They looked like this:

Jenny and Lila did their research, found out that the Aussie guy was a lecturer in IT, and to the tune of “Oops They Did It Again” created a parody that included the rhymes “She dresses in lace, for his database”. Brilliant.

The only other person of note was someone in the front row who was clearly the only Australian in the front row. Look carefully at the photo and see if you can spot the Aussie dressed for the Scottish summer:

Finally I have some exciting news about Honker’s auction for the Sick Kids. As you know Irn Bru donated some miniature taxis to be signed then auctioned off.

Well, after garnering the signatures of Ian Rankin, Biffy Clyro and Kevin Bridges, I got one signed last night by the writer of the current series of Dr Who – Steven Moffat. I’m hoping Dr Who fans will now go crazy and spend a lot of money on the mini taxi.

Of course Honker posed with Steven:

They will be auctioned off at Rainy Hall in a special extra show of Mess Around this Sunday at 11.30pm. Jason Byrne will co-host the show with me, and Mark Watson and Kevin Bridges will also drop in. Tickets are 10 pounds from Assembly Box Office and are selling fast.

That’s all, gotta run

Adam

Hello

The people that stood out from tonight’s show were lovely. They were:

Margot – a sixty eight year old lady who came to the show with her granddaughters. I asked if anyone was older, and a man called Sammy put his hand up. Sammy was from Perth in Australia, was of Egyptian heritage, and was 69.

He came to the stage and became the smiling buddha of the show:

He even posed for a profile shot:

The other lovely people were Damien and his wife, who came in late. Damien clearly hated being on stage, and said very little at all – until out of the blue he asked if he could go get a beer, and offered to buy me one as well:

There was also a New Zealander who took a phone call during the show from his mate. I took the phone and chatted for so long that I ran down his credit. As compensation I let him have my beer after the show.

The most exciting news however revolves around Honker, and the campaign to raise money for The Sick Kids Foundation.

Irn Bru have donated five taxis to be auctioned off for the Sick Kids, and thus far I have had one signed by Ian Rankin and one by Biffy Clyro. The exciting news is that hot new Scottish comedian Kevin Bridges has agreed to sign one as well.

The auction will take place at 11.30pm this Sunday in an extra charity show of Mess Around at Rainy Hall. Tickets are available from Assembly for 10 pounds, and all proceeds will go to the Sick Kids. There will be a few special guests dropping in as well to help with the auction.

Of course you can still by clicking here – donate

or buy tickets and save up for the auction.

That’s all for tonight, but stay tuned – there may be a big signing announcement tomorrow.

Adam

Howdy

Here’s what happened tonight. Mainly, I found a guy called Alistair coming in late who looked like a rugby player. I asked him what he did for a living and he replied “I make prosthetics”. I told him he may come in handy.

Another latecomer lady walked past and when asked what she thought he did for a job, told me “He’s a dentist, obviously”

I then took a photo, tweeted it and asked people what they thought Alistair’s job was:

Answers included:

1. PontoonDock Prince Edward look-a-like
2. camillabrokking – Husbeing thinks he’s a dog groomer, I reckon he’s a postie.
3. Carol34UK Don’t know. But I know what I’d like him to do!
4. greido157 – Caber Tosser
5. J_L_E – rugger player
6. twistedsoup he’s clearly the lead ballerina for the Bolshoi ballet
7. serellie – Horse Whisperer – those look like tender hands.
8. jadehurd – got to be a fireman those guys are hench! tell him i think he’s hot and ask if he’s single lolx
9. Ajcninja pastry chef
10. Bethhh17 Rugby player?
11. Yogzotot Design Hallmark greeting cards
12. bykimbo – The t-shirt & shoulders say fireman. The face says accountant. In a good way. ;o)
13. TheAmereMortal Or maybe a Dental Hygene Technician
14. MrAaronPriest Poses as a firefighter in those firefighter calenders, but is actually a banker.
15. flumcake wonderbra model?
16. ComedyNerd That stance with the cocky grin? Male stripper.

Hmmm, a few rugby suggestions were close, as was the dental reference.

I then found Mark in the front row, a man who was born in Australia but had moved to Scotland. To test his accent I asked for a Scottish sentence, at which an audience member yelled something wholly incomprehensible.

Alistair then informed me it was a Robbie Burns poem, and proceeded to recite the lines beautifully. He transcribed them for Mark, and from what I can decipher it was:

“Wee sleekit cooring timerous beastie, oh what a panic is in thy breastie”

Lovely.

It was then onto the saga of Honker, the stuffed toy that is now raising money for the Royal Hospital for Sick Children. After last night’s show a lady called Alison, who you may remember from this photo:

…left a card to say that she would like to make the opening bid for the Irn Bru miniature taxi signed by Ian Rankin. She left 20 pounds, and said she hoped we would make a lot more.

I can now announce two exciting things:

1) The auction of Irn Bru taxis will take place at an extra show of Mess Around, this Sunday at 11.30pm at my venue Rainy Hall. Tix are 10 pounds each, and all proceeds from the auction and tickets sales will go to The Sick Kids. There will be special comedy guests too. You can buy tix now from the Assembly Box Office.

2) The second taxi was signed tonight – by Scottish band Biffy Clyro.

There will be five for auction on Sunday, and I will let you know who the three remaining signatures are.

On an even lovelier note, Alistair donated another 20 pounds after the show to the Sick Kids, and a lady called Sheona chipped in an extra 10.

Of course you can donate too – by clicking here DONATE

That’s all for now, but I’m looking forward to seeing where this ends up

Adam

Hello

After a lovely day off it is back into the swing of things with another showblog.

Tonight’s audience included seven people all wearing strange hats to celebrate the 21st Birthday of their friend Hayley. They looked like this:

Of course I tweeted it and asked the question “What on earth do you think is going on here?” Responses included:

1. pancakedays 7 dwarfs 10 yr reunion.. happy was hoping for it to be a brokeback themed event
2. LAFOB – Village people reunion at the Y M C A
3. dennisbrandrick – Due to a nameplate shortage at the United Nations conference, delegates must wear national hats
4. TheAmereMortal Dunno, but if you put them all on a bus, I bet the windows would get cleaned real good

Thanks all.

The other people of note were – Alison, a Scottish woman who now lives in Australia, and is remarkably well-preserved for her 75 years:

I thought she could front a campaign to entice to move to Australia so they would age well.

The man that took the photo was Mr Michael Spiteri, a well-groomed gentleman who turned out to be the cousin of the lead singer of Texas – Sharleen Spiteri. He offered to help me garner her autograph for Honker’s charity auction this weekend.

Let’s recap:

Honker is a stuffed toy given to me on opening night by an audience member. He now has his own fundraising campaign for the Royal Hospital for Sick Children, and you can donate by clicking here – DONATE

You can read all about Honker by clicking on Honker’s image on the homepage of this website.

Irn Bru donated some miniature taxis to be auctioned off, and I decided to get some famous people to sign them. I will announce the time and place of the auction very soon, as well as some special guest auctioneers, but I nabbed the first famous name yesterday when I did a radio interview with Scottish Crime Author Ian Rankin (he of Rebus fame).

Ian kindly agreed to sign a taxi for the auction:

and even posed with Honker alongside the lovely Sarah Millican:

As chuffed as I was to meet Ian Rankin, I was even more chuffed to read this tweet from him tonight:

Beathhigh Just out of Edinburgh Comedy Gala. Great spot by @adamhillscomedy, plus jack Whitehall, Sean Lock, Emo Philips, Mark Watson etc etc…

Like I said, I will release details of the auction here very soon, as well as the famous signatures as and when I get them.

For now though, g’nite all

Adam

Hello

Due to unforseen circumstances (a few late nights, days spent looking after the baby, and me just generally being a grumpy shit) I missed the last few showblogs. The problem is, after three shows the only way I can remember what happened is to look at the photos. So here goes:

FRIDAY:

Ah yes, it’s all coming back to me. The guy on the right is clearly Australian. The woman on the left came in late with her husband, who blamed their tardiness on her driving. I sent him to the bar to buy her a drink, and while he was gone I asked her to snuggle up to the well-built Aussie.

I then took a photo of the Aussie, a guy called Neil with amazing facial hair, and a man on his stag night on the front row. I tweeted and asked people what they thought was going on:

From memory my favourite response was “Worst gay pride march ever”

Finally some women in the crowd brought along a banner they made up for Honker the show mascot, that looked like this:

SATURDAY

From left to right – Rita, Annie and Adam. Rita and Annie were 75 and 77. Adam was the guy that once told me an awful story about working in forensics that I used in “Inflatable”. Adam has started doing stand up, so I paid him a tenner to be my support act on the spot. He was good too.

I then found a man that looked a lot like Sean Connery and posed him with the ladies:

I tweeted it and asked for a caption. This time my fave was “Sean Connery opens an OAP specific rollercoaster”

I then found an incredible man called John who could well have been a spy, and gave him a Bond pose:

My final photo from this day actually took place before my show, when I did a guest spot with Nicholas Parsons. I took a photo of him and Honker, as well as a stuffed fox that an audience member had bought for her husband:

SUNDAY:

The show included Ben and Nigel a father son combo from Norwich who looked like Swedish backpackers:

Sam from Dalkeith who sounded like he could kill me:

Bill from Leith, who refused to adopt the same pose as Sam:

Harry, who looked like the long lost bearded Scottish brother of an Australian man also in the front row:

and a woman who claimed she was 15 when she had her now-20 year old son:

Really?

Sorry for the condensed versions of the shows. Of course the campaign to raise money for the Royal Hospital for Sick Children continues, with Honker as the mascot. You can still donate by clicking here DONATE

And I will have details of the Irn Bru miniature taxi auction very soon.

Til then, more to come on Tuesday

Adam

Howdy

Last night’s show started with the discovery of a Finnish woman in the audience called Leia. I asked her if she was a Princess and she replied “For you I would be”. That made me decide to create a Satr Wars theme on stage, but as always I was distracted by latecomers.

As I followed them to their seats I spotted a Kenny Rogers lookalike and his wife. Unsure of whether to create an Islands In The Stream style singalong or a Star Wars scene, I consulted an audience member called Brian who suggested Parton and Rogers was a better option.

Accordingly, I brought “Kenny and Dolly” to the stage, posed them, cued up some music, and we all had a good old singalong.

Of course I took a photo, tweeted it, and asked “Which pop duo am I recreating here?”

The answers included:

1. MissItchy daft Punk – without their helmets, for sure!
2. britishadelaide – is it The Proclaimers in a few years after of them has had a sex change?
3. servantofchaos oh it’s Islands in the Stream – Kenny and Dolly
4. MarkSammons Kajagoogoo?
5. Ec_Kelly – The blonde country singer with the boobs and the beardy bloke tht sang with her…I’m too young
6. the_cardman – On the left – before a month in Edinburgh. On the right – after a month in Edinburgh.
7. mike21up gotta be serge gainsberg and jane birkin doing je t’ aime
8. wisebee – Dolly Parton and Kenny Rogers! I can’t see the ladies boobs to be sure though!
9. BexBitchDrummer dolly n kenny or kris k & Barbara streisland xx Hug honker for me Bex Yorkshire
10. LuxAdams – Apart from the complete lack of resemblence, Lindsey Buckingham & Stevie Nicks.
11. chippie77 bros
12. ajthring Kylie and Jason, gotta be.
13. Jo_Fitz – Simon & Garfunkel!
14. MeredithShizzle – The Cheeky Girls
15. ThoughtsByMatt or possibly Chas & Dave
16. gillkelleher – Peters and lee – though well before your time I suspect
17. clairewhill Not really pop, but I’m going to say Kenny Rogers and Dolly Parton?
18. ThoughtsByMatt cher and sonny
19. chazzyb31 – Renee & Renata? Jennifer Warnes & Bill Medley?
20. DanielMoroney Parton and Rogers.
21. TheAmereMortal half of ABBA?

Well done.

Honker’s campaign continues to raise money for the Royal Hospital for Sick Children. In fact, thanks to an extra 40 quid thrown in live on-air by Fred MacAulay this morning, we have reached over 2600 pounds. You can join in the donations by clicking here – DONATE

I’ll have details for you soon about how and when the auction of Irn Bru miniature taxis take place. Out of interest, how many people reading this would take part in a twitter auction were I to hold one?

Finally I took a photo of Honker with my friend and comedian Tanyalee Davis, who came to the show to protest the fact that Edinburgh buses won’t allow her onboard on her mobility scooter, even though she clearly can’t walk from Leith to the City without it.

If you have any interest in this, please contact your local member or email Tanyalee at tanyaleedavis@gmail.com. With the Paralympics coming, surely the UK should be accessible to all!

That’s all for today, more to come

Adam

Hi all

Last night’s show involved a lot of people:

An Australian guy from Darwin wearing a natty Kangol cap backwards. I’m guessing he’s the only man from Darwin ever to wear a natty Kangol cap backwards.

A lady dressed in ripped jeans, low-cut top, silver shoes, and who came from the Highlands. I’m guessing she’s the only person from the Highlands to ever wear ripped jeans… you know the rest. As she pointed out, she was probably the only black person in the Highalands too.

A young man in the front right hand side of the room whose girlfriend looked suspiciously like a younger version of his mother. Freud’s field day. I think I may have stopped him ever having sexual relations with his girlfriend again.

Finally a latecomer called Vicky became the star of the show, as she told us her husband “decided to come home late from the office”. She didn’t even ask why he was late – she just grabbed the car and left him to mind the children. I called him to find out why he was late, but all he could offer was “Various things”.

I asked Vicky what would make it up to her, and she replied “chocolate”. Her husband Hamish seemed reticent to find chocolate for her homecoming, so I reached into my pocket, pulled out forty quid, and asked a staff member to buy Vicky that amount of chocolate (she stipulated it had to be Cadbury’s). Twenty minutes later a staff member returned, with forty pounds worth of Cadbury’s chcocolate, and Vicky promised me she would give Hamish a kiss when she got home.

The tale of Honker then continued, as I tried to find famous Scots to sign some memorabilia for the Royal Hospital for Sick Children. Honker of course, is the stuffed toy given to me by an audience member that looks like this:

Honker is now heading a charity campaign for the Sick Kids Foundation, and you can donate by clicking here DONATE

Irn Bru have donated five miniature taxis, so I have decided to get famous people to sign them for an auction. A quick scan of the audience found people who apparently know journalist Andrew Marr, a Scottish Rugby player, and a little known chap called Billy Connolly.

The lady from the Highlands then piped in with “He sends me Christmas cards every year. He used to stay in our house when he was a folk musician”

Of course he did.

So, I am slowly gathering contacts for famous Scots. If you’re reading this and have a link to someone appropriate, please let me know. Thus far I have leads (however shaky) for Paolo Nutini, KT Tunstall, Sharleen Spiteri, Sir Chris Hoy, and have put requests in for JK Rowling and Annie Lennox.

Finally I took a photo of the audience because I forgot to get shots of all the individuals that featured. You may see the Highlander in the front row with her hand in the air, Darwin boy a few rows behind her, and Vicky way up in the stand (also with her hand in the air):

More to come tomorrow

Adam